Projections and Triangulation: When It’s Not About Them (But Also... It Kinda Is)

Written by Haythem Lafhaj, PLMFT

Ever met someone and instantly disliked them for no real reason? Or found yourself mad at your partner over something small—but deep down, you knew it wasn’t about them?

Welcome to the world of projections and triangulation. These aren’t just therapy buzzwords—they’re everyday survival tactics we pick up when we don’t know how to deal with our own stuff.

Projection is when we unconsciously place our unprocessed emotions onto someone else. Maybe you were never allowed to feel anger growing up, so now when someone else gets mad—you call them “crazy” or “too much.” Maybe you’re afraid of being rejected, so you accuse your partner of pulling away. Sound familiar?

Then comes triangulation—the art of pulling a third person into a two-person conflict. Think of the family member who complains about one sibling to the other, or the couple who avoids talking by venting to a friend instead. It’s messy, and it rarely solves anything.

At Caring Conversations Center, we help people untangle these patterns. In couples therapy, we teach partners to identify what belongs to them emotionally—and what they’re projecting. In family therapy, we explore how triangulation keeps everyone stuck in cycles of resentment and miscommunication.

For African and Islamic families, where loyalty and unity are often sacred, these dynamics can feel extra tricky. But healing doesn’t mean betraying your roots—it means building healthier ways of relating that align with your values.

Here’s the kicker: awareness is the first step. When you start noticing your projections, you can pause and ask, What am I really feeling? When you catch yourself triangulating, you can lean into direct, honest conversations.

You can’t grow emotionally if you’re outsourcing your discomfort. Therapy helps bring it back home—gently, intentionally, and with tools that work.

Because you deserve to be seen for who you are—not the shadows you're casting.