Reconnecting with the Inner Child — Why Safe Relationships Matter
Written by Haythem Lafhaj, PLMFT
As adults, we often pride ourselves on being strong, independent, and capable. Yet, one of the clearest signs of a healthy adult isn’t independence at all—it’s the ability to connect with our inner child. To be in relationships where we can feel safe enough to ask questions, make mistakes, and even play. In other words, to live with curiosity, vulnerability, and trust.
In therapy, I often see clients who carry the weight of being “too adult.” They are competent, reliable, and self-sufficient—but exhausted. They rarely give themselves permission to wonder, to not know, or to simply rest in the presence of another. And yet, these are exactly the qualities that make a relationship life-giving. Children thrive when they feel safe enough to explore, and adults are no different.
From a systemic perspective, family relationships shape the way we see ourselves and others. Strategic Family Therapy emphasizes the importance of altering patterns of interaction to bring relief and healing (Patterson, 1982). If, as children, we were shamed for asking questions or discouraged from showing vulnerability, we may grow into adults who armor ourselves against intimacy. By contrast, when relationships allow us to reconnect with that inner child—curious, eager, unafraid of rejection—we open pathways to healing.
My own cultural background has taught me the importance of this balance. Growing up in Tunisia, discipline and achievement often took priority over play. Play was not always seen as essential, but rather as a distraction. Later, as a father, I came to understand that play is not optional—it is the language of the heart. Research on play therapy echoes this truth: “Play provides a safe space for children to express their feelings, foster resilience, and find safety in relationships” (Landreth, 2012, as cited in Lafhaj, 2024). If this is true for children, it remains true for the child within every adult.
To “show up as your inner child” in relationships means allowing yourself to say, I don’t know, but I’d like to learn. It means laughing at small joys, asking for comfort without shame, and exploring life with a sense of openness. This is not immaturity; this is integration. It signals that the adult self has healed enough to make space for the child self, without fear of judgment or rejection.
Of course, this requires safe relationships. Not every environment invites vulnerability. Many people stay guarded because their past experiences taught them that openness equals danger. Therapy often provides a bridge—helping clients slowly test what it feels like to express needs without fear. Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, for example, helps clients identify and build on moments when they already feel safe, reinforcing strengths that can be carried into other relationships (de Shazer & Berg, 1985).
The payoff is profound. Adults who can access their inner child often report deeper intimacy, less burnout, and greater resilience. They are not stuck in the rigidity of always performing or pleasing. Instead, they live with a sense of freedom—anchored in maturity but softened by playfulness.
Perhaps the greatest act of courage is not building walls, but allowing yourself to be seen—fully, including the child within you. When we cultivate relationships that honor this truth, we don’t just heal ourselves—we create generational change. We teach our children, partners, and communities that strength and softness are not opposites. They belong together.