Give Your Spouse the Gift of Time — Why Space Strengthens Love
Written by Haythem Lafhaj, PLMFT
In the early stages of love, couples often want to spend every waking moment together. It feels natural — intoxicating, even. But as relationships mature, what keeps love alive isn’t constant proximity; it’s balanced space. Allowing your spouse time to enjoy what they love — alone or with others — isn’t distance. It’s devotion.
In therapy, I’ve seen couples mistake togetherness for connection. They believe that closeness means always being side by side. But when individuality is lost, resentment quietly grows. True intimacy is built not by constant contact, but by freedom rooted in trust.
Research on long-term relationships consistently shows that couples who maintain individual interests and friendships report higher satisfaction and lower burnout. Time apart allows partners to recharge, pursue passions, and bring fresh energy back to the relationship. Absence, when grounded in trust, doesn’t breed distance — it breeds appreciation.
From my own cultural lens, I understand why this can be difficult. In many traditional societies, including my Tunisian roots, marital unity is prized — sometimes interpreted as doing everything together. Yet, as I’ve learned through both personal experience and professional practice, unity doesn’t mean uniformity. A healthy marriage honors both “we” and “me.”
Encouraging your spouse to spend time doing what they enjoy is a powerful act of love. It says, “I see you as a whole person, not just my partner.” Whether it’s a book club, a weekly soccer game, or a quiet evening with friends, these personal spaces nurture emotional health. They also prevent codependency — a pattern where one partner’s well-being depends entirely on the other’s mood or approval.
In my therapy practice, I encourage couples to view autonomy as nourishment for the relationship. When each partner grows individually, the marriage expands. The goal is interdependence — where both rely on each other emotionally yet still maintain their own identities. It’s like a garden: two strong roots growing separately beneath the soil but intertwining at the surface.
The challenge, of course, lies in managing insecurities. When one partner asks for space, the other might feel rejected or anxious. This is where communication becomes essential. Instead of saying, “I need space,” try, “I need some time to recharge so I can be more present with you later.” Language shapes perception. Space framed as self-care feels different from space framed as avoidance.
Culturally, time apart may even strengthen shared traditions. For example, when a husband spends time in reflection or prayer and the wife engages in creative or community work, both return home more centered. Their spiritual and emotional fulfillment spills into their relationship, deepening gratitude.
Therapeutically, I often guide couples to schedule both “together time” and “alone time.” Shared rituals — morning coffee, evening walks, or weekend dinners — create stability. Individual time, meanwhile, keeps passion alive. Desire thrives on curiosity; when partners have their own stories, they bring new energy to the relationship.
Letting your spouse enjoy life beyond the marriage isn’t a threat — it’s an investment. It shows maturity and faith in the bond you’ve built. Trust is not just believing your partner won’t betray you; it’s believing they will keep growing, and that their growth will enrich your shared life.
As a divorced man and therapist, I’ve learned this truth personally: love that suffocates eventually fades; love that breathes endures. Giving space is not losing connection. It’s creating room for both hearts to keep beating in rhythm — separately and together.
When we stop demanding constant closeness, we rediscover deeper intimacy — one built on respect, not routine. A healthy relationship is not about owning each other’s time, but honoring each other’s souls. And in that freedom, love doesn’t weaken. It flourishes.
