Boys Adrift — Helping Our Sons Find Purpose in a Drifting World
Written by Haythem Lafhaj, PLMFT
If Girls on the Edge is a mirror for modern girlhood, Dr. Leonard Sax’s Boys Adrift is an equally sobering reflection on the state of our sons. Sax identifies five key factors behind the growing sense of aimlessness among boys: video games, ADHD overdiagnosis, environmental toxins, devaluation of masculinity, and lack of clear role models. The result, he argues, is a generation of young men who are less motivated, less confident, and often less connected to purpose.
As a therapist and father, this message hits close to home. I’ve met teenage boys who are brilliant, creative, and kind—but disconnected. They spend hours in virtual worlds, achieve high grades when motivated, yet feel detached from real-life goals. When asked what they want for their future, many shrug. Sax calls this “drift”—a loss of direction not because of lack of ability, but lack of meaning.
From a systemic family therapy perspective, this drift doesn’t happen in isolation. It reflects broader cultural shifts: families under stress, schools focused on performance rather than connection, and fathers stretched thin or absent. Boys are growing up in a paradox—they’re told to be sensitive yet independent, strong yet soft, successful yet humble. Without guidance, those mixed messages create confusion rather than confidence.
Sax’s insights align with what I see in therapy rooms. Many boys today struggle to define masculinity in healthy ways. The traditional models of toughness and stoicism no longer fit, but new ones haven’t been clearly established. They’re left trying to prove themselves in video games, sports, or social media instead of real-world mastery and relationships.
What I find powerful in Boys Adrift is its invitation for fathers, mentors, and communities to re-engage boys through purpose and accountability. Boys need challenge—not punishment, but purpose-driven struggle. They thrive when given real responsibilities that matter. In my own Tunisian upbringing, responsibility was woven into daily life: helping family, contributing to community, learning discipline through service. These weren’t chores—they were identity-shaping experiences.
Therapeutically, helping boys rediscover meaning often begins with curiosity. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you?” I ask, “When do you feel most alive?” That question shifts the focus from pathology to potential. Many boys light up when they talk about music, building things, gaming, or helping others. Those sparks are clues to their core strengths—the foundation for rebuilding direction.
Sax’s book also highlights the role of mentorship. Boys need to see manhood modeled with integrity. A mentor doesn’t have to be perfect; he just has to show up consistently. Whether it’s a coach, uncle, teacher, or father figure, consistent male presence teaches accountability and empathy through example.
For parents, especially in multicultural families, it’s important to balance discipline with dialogue. Immigrant fathers, myself included, sometimes default to authority when connection is what’s really needed. Boys Adrift reminds us that control doesn’t inspire; connection does. A boy who feels understood will follow guidance far more readily than one who feels criticized.
From a therapeutic standpoint, helping boys re-engage means nurturing autonomy within structure. Encourage small successes. Celebrate effort, not just outcomes. Limit numbing distractions, not through shame, but by offering richer alternatives—sports, volunteering, or simply hands-on projects. Purpose grows from doing, not scrolling.
Sax ends his book with hope: boys are not broken—they are waiting. Waiting for challenge, for connection, for belief in their potential. I’ve seen boys who once drifted suddenly find direction when someone handed them trust and responsibility.
If you’re a parent, mentor, or therapist, Boys Adrift is a must-read. It doesn’t offer quick fixes, but it offers understanding—and from understanding, real change begins. Our sons don’t need perfection; they need presence. They need to know that masculinity isn’t disappearing—it’s evolving. And it’s our role to guide that evolution with empathy, wisdom, and faith.
